Got home last night and wanted to check my email on my Nokia E90 that I stupidly updated with the Nokia Software Updater. Which is, if I haven’t said already, a piece of shit.

I really don’t know WHAT is going through the heads at the software developers over at Nokia. What ARE you thinking?

I updated my device, ok? Yes. Before that, I ‘backed it up’. Messages, contacts, and so on. Yes?

I restored, yes. That ‘worked’.

I thought all my bookmarks were restored.

No.

Just ONE is missing.

ONE sodding bookmark is missing.

How crap of a mobile development team do you HAVE to be, to make a BACKUP and RESTORE function that DOESN’T DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN.

Either you should make it work. Or not bother at ALL. BINARY — PLEASE! One or the other! Don’t make it HALF work.

It’s MAGNIFICENTLY ANNOYING to find that every single one of my internet bookmarks was restored, except the really long complicated one for my web email. That, er, seems to be … somewhere else.

Either the backup screwed up. Or the restore screwed up. Whatever, it’s just ridiculous. This is a billion dollar company we’re talking about. A market capitalisation of, according to Google Finance, 124 BILLION.

Why do they even bother to include this function if it doesn’t WORK. By all means, hide it away and let the geeks play. If it was a hidden function, something you had to *seriously* find to use, then I wouldn’t have a problem.

I have a massive issue when it’s front-and-centre on the Nokia PC Suite — as you can see above — there it is, I even highlighted it with a red box. Gah. Goodness knows how many consumers are being mucked around by this idiot function.

What a total ARSE.

I got this email in from a reader — a FEMALE reader, noless!

Here’s her problem:

HELP! I am just about to stop using a Nokia E61 as I am giving up mobile email. I found I was too contactable for clients and I kept on looking at my email at all hours of the day. Now I need to get a new phone and I don’t know what’s cool or sexy. What should I get? I am in London and using T-Mobile.

Interesting. I know what you mean. I can’t stop looking at my Blackberry if I’ve got it on vibrate. Every time an email comes in, I think it might be ultra urgent and… sneak a look. Or worse, I just can’t stand being near my Blackberry when the little red light flashes. I feel like I need to reach over and check what’s just arrived.

Anyway, a sexy phone. Any recommendations for the lady? I’m thinking N81, maybe? Top of the range Sony? N95 8GB?

If you like your phones thinner than Kate Moss, get yourself a Modu. The device has apparently entered the Guinness Book of Records as the lightest mobile phone in the world. According to the book, the device measures 72.1 mm x 37.6 mm x 7.8 mm - smaller than a credit card.

The mobile was launched at Mobile World Congress earlier this year and weighs just 40.1 g. Modu, as the name suggests, is a modular mobile, so users looking for a bigger or more feature-heavy device can put the device into a modu jacket - a type of shell.

It’s a great concept - you can put the phone into a clamshell jacket or a bracelet jacket, depending on what form factor you fancy. In its unjacked form, though, it looks like it might be a little too easy to drop down the back of the sofa, never to be seen again.

Phew. RIM co-CEO Mike Lazaridis has confirmed that the company is working on high speed 3G version of the device, telling the Financial Times the company is experimenting with a HSDPA model.

In an interview on his digital lifestyle, the FT asks Lazaridis what’s his latest squeeze? His answer: “One of our prototypes - a 3.5G BlackBerry. It’s very fast over third-generation networks that have HSDPA (High-Speed Downlink Packet Access).”

Good news for all those who want their mobile email that little bit quicker.

… should I be worried? Deary me. It looks like that upgrade — all official, used the proper upgrade tool … and it looks like I might have an issue. We shall see.

Well, my Nokia E90 has updated without error, thanks to the Nokia Update software.

The big arse? Only half of my data is preserved. Messages, photos, contacts.

Half of the data is screwed.

All my applications have gone.

Gahhh.

I know Nokia have ‘fixed this’ with the Nokia N82 but it’s absolutely ridiculous that they haven’t implemented it in any other handsets.

I now have an updated Nokia device, … and I’m going to have to take an hour or so and install everything again.

Apart from Mail for Exchange. That’s preserved. Strangely. It’s there, but the account details aren’t.

Upgrading on Nokia definitely isn’t ready for consumer exposure as yet. When I press ‘backup’ I expect it to do just that.. BACKUP the device so that when I RESTORE it works. I don’t want it to almost work.

Here’s hoping it’s much smoother on an N82…

Link: Indian Blackberry network given 15 days to allow government snooping or shut down - Engadget

The last we’d heard, the Indian government had ruled out the threat of a Blackberry ban if RIM didn’t allow it to snoop on messages, but it looks like some overzealous bureaucrat is getting his way after all: the Department of Telecom has issued a 15-day deadline for RIM to either open up for the G-men or get shut down

Have you been following this? It’s really getting a bit crazy, isn’t it? 15-day deadlines… geez. Just open up and move on.

Ideally, I’d like to avoid this snooping potential, particularly as I like to think of myself as a soverign individual… until, that is, I get a parking ticket. You just have to pay it. Or eventually go to jail. It’s their game, and you’re just a player in it, right?

I’m sure each of the 400,000 Indian Blackberry users is less than impressed at the possibility of having their email accessible by the Government. But then I’m sure most of their Exchange accounts on their corporate networks are already snoopable…

So I backed up my phone. Then I upgraded it. That worked fine. Now I am trying to restore that backup. Let’s see how it goes…

If you’re a regular visitor to the UK or if you need mobile broadband now and again, but not enough to take out a contract, this might well be a wicked deal for you.

3UK have just announced that they’re selling their USB modems at 69.99 pounds on pay as you go. Genius. Last year, 3UK kicked the mobile broadband marketplace into touch with the launch of their tenner-a-month mobile broadband service (I’ve got one of those and it’s wicked).

Many shops in the 3UK empire couldn’t actually re-stock fast enough, such was the demand. Indeed, a USB modem is no longer the domain of the uber-geek. I come across lots of normobs who have one now.

The other mobile operators here in the UK were caught asleep at the wheel. Vodafone continued to knock along at at 30+ pounds/month price plan until recently — losing many a customer to the very tempting 3UK offer. T-Mobile, too, one of the first to launch mobile broadband, were steeply priced compared to the tenner-a-month deal.

The next stage for domination for 3UK is pay as you go — for causal users, international travellers and those (like me) up for impulse purchases. You can now walk into a 3UK shop — today — and walk out with a USB modem that will work instantly.

All you need to do is top it up. Quoting from 3UK’s release:

With the current Pay As You Go price plan customers can get a 1GB data allowance with a £10 Add-on, 3GB with a £15 Add-on and 7GB with a £25 Add-on. Each Add-on lasts for 30 days.

3’s most popular 3GB package provides users with up to 2000 plain text emails and 100 hours of surfing the web, with an additional 100 two minute video downloads and 200 music tracks.

Reasonable to me, particularly if you’re spunking 20 pounds a day on wifi fees at your hotel.

More details and ordering here.

So that’s me finally connected. It’s been a bit of pain, mentally. There’s been a lot of ‘f*ck it’ phrases flying around the new SMS Text News office in Soho — all from me.

I use Windows you see, for blog publishing. I particularly like SnagIT from Techsmith for screenshotting which is Windows only. Unfortunately, my Windows machine has had a few problems.

The machine I was using in America (a brilliant HP) didn’t take too kindly to me trying to run it on a UK 240 volt power connection. I forgot. I forgot to flick the switch from the American 115v connection on the power supply. Ergo the HP was rendered Class-F. Smart man.

I requisitioned my younger brother’s Dell XPS –a huge mother with oodles of CPUs. For most of yesterday and most of today it wouldn’t go online on any wireless network, save from BT Openzone from the phonebox outside. (Useful if i *needed* connection to the internet, but what I really needed was internal printer and network connections from the WiFi in the office).

Meanwhile everyone else in the office is surfing away on the 24mb connection.

Eventually I gave up and shared the wireless from my Apple MacBook Pro. Say what you want about Apple, the stuff just works. Or it doesn’t (sometimes, nothing’s perfect). But at least it’s binary, one or a zero. It works or it doesn’t. This Windows nonsense is, as my colleague Dan pointed out this afternoon, ‘Analogue’ — that is, it half works. The WiFi half connected, but wouldn’t fully connect, etc., etc.

So now I’m live.

And the first order of business, apart from blogging and responding to bucketloads of email, I plugged in my Nokia E90 to see if there was an upgrade available. Remember I wanted to get a proper 3.5 icon — and with it, uber fast mobile data?

Well it looks like I can get an upgrade.

First, though, because Nokia *still* haven’t sorted this rubbish process out, I need to get everything off my device, back it up and hope for the best, as the upgrade wipes everything. Inconveniently.

I’ll see you after the flash…

Phones look like they’re getting cleverer: one in three mobiles will be a smartphone by 2013, according to ABI Research, up from one in ten today. Nokia remains the most popular smartphone seller, with 52 percent of the market, while Symbian is found on 65 percent of devices.

The expected growth in smartphone numbers is “a product of a number of complex factors including carriers’ drives to grow data revenues from advanced services and the general trend to pushing “smart” operating systems down into middle tier devices,” the company says.

What’s really exciting about this is not that there are more smartphones out there but that more and more mid-range devices can now be classed as smartphones - good news for operators, as users are likely to consume more data, and good news for users, as they can get access to more and better content.

The rumours of Dell making an appearance in the mobile market have been doing the rounds for a while, but they seem to be gaining momentum at a rapid rate. Digitimes reports that Dell might team up with Foxconn Electronics to develop Windows Mobile smartphones, after rival Acer announced it was to buy business mobile make E-Ten Information Systems.

Meanwhile, Barrons reports Nomura analyst Richard Windsor believes Dell is coming out with a 10 digit Qwerty keypad device next year.

Dell has already got out of the PDA business once - is it really going to re-enter the market again? It would certainly be very well positioned to do so and it’s brand would probably open a lot of doors with business users. Dell has still remained very reserved on the subject though: it’s not looking like a dead cert, but the evidence looks to be building.

I got news today that Fly Mobile have launched their SX200 handset in the UK.

I’ve been following Fly for quite a while but I’ve not managed to sit down with them and have a chat as yet. Back in 2003, they were the first to release a super slim handset and they’ve continued their innovation since then, targeted particularly at the pay as you go marketplace. They reckon they’ll ship 3 million handsets to a range of markets around the planet this year.

These aren’t dirt-poor rubbish handsets though. They’re full featured, at shockingly good prices. I haven’t got hold of a picture yet, but here’s the SX200 spec:

• Camera, FM Radio, music player, Bluetooth and video recording

• Great looking slider phone from Fly Mobile

• Available from Woolworths on Virgin Mobile

• Digital camera embedded

• FM Radio

• Music player/MP3 player to listen to all the latest sounds

• Stereo Bluetooth for wireless music

• Video recording and playback on the phone

• Mobile internet

• Speaker phone

• Memory card support

• Outstanding value at only £29.99

Now, I probably won’t be going out to get one myself as I have a particularly demanding set of requirements from my handsets, however the SX200 looks like a pretty wicked device for your average normob fed up of the more traditional offers from other manufacturers.

£29 pounds? Brilliant.

You can find more on Fly Mobile at www.flymobile.co.uk.

Japanese mobile giant DoCoMo has filed a complaint against competitor Softbank, with DoCoMo alleging that one of its rival’s handsets bears a little too much of a resemblance to one of its own devices, the Financial Times says.

According to the paper, DoCoMo is trying to get the disputed device withdrawn from sale, after the operator and its partner Fujitsu filed a request for an injunction with a local court. A number of reports say DoCoMo believes the Softbank mobile looks like its own range of devices targeting older users, with easy-to-read menus.

After February saw the start of a price war in the country, it looks like the Japanese market is only getting tougher.

Sonya over at the Orange County Register has been busy documenting a list of applications being developed for both Android and iPhone.

If you’re at all interested in this area, it’d be worth keeping an eye on the list. Here’s the Android List and the iPhone List.

Nice one Sonya!

There’s a chap sat next to me. Really annoying the hell out of me.

He’s got a Windows Mobile device. One of those thick ones with the slide out keyboard. I forget the name. HTC something or other. I can’t be bothered to look it up, I’m that annoyed.

He has been sat next to me in the hotel lounge/lobby for the last 30 minutes arsing about with his device. My big issue is that he’s using a stylus.

There is something inherently wrong with a large chap holding a device in one palm and using a piss-poor small dinky little stylus to the device. Like he’s trying to continually thread a needle.

If you’ve ever gone into UK warehouse store, Argos, you’ll know what I mean. Argos require you to specify your purchases, defined by their unique seven digit number, on a bit of paper, before handing it to the till. In order that you can complete the form, you need to use one of their stupidly undersized pens. I feel a total plonker using a teeny weeny pen.

Bring on a big fat Mont Blanc.

Anyway back to this stylus issue. You just look stupid using them — bent over, focusing on a tiny screen with the mini stylus in hand. Women = ok. Men = no.

I managed to sneak a picture thanks to the Apple Photobooth function.

Sharp has decided to take its mobiles to pastures new. According to reports, this one from the Financial Times among them, the electronics manufacturer is planning to start selling mobiles in China in time for the Olympics later this year.

The reports say that Sharp will bring in high-end devices to the Chinese market and the company is already in talks with operators about carrying the phones, making it the only Japanese handset maker selling its wares in neighbouring China (assuming you don’t count Sony Ericsson).

It’s no surprise handset makers are all turning their attention to China - it’s been enjoying record new subscribers of late and there’s still shedloads of room to grow before saturation starts to rear its ugly head. That said, Sharp’s compatriot Kyocera recently said it was pulling out of a China, so it’s certainly not an easy market, but it is one with enthusiasm for high end devices - exactly what Sharp plans to sell.

If the N96 is a bit on the cheap side for you, Nokia has come up with a line of phones designed to part high rollers from their money. The latest Vertu devices, built to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the high-end Nokia line, can be yours for the princely sum of several thousand dollars.

The so-called Monogram Constellation comes in five colours - Pewter, Green, Red, Skye Blue or Cerise - with a leather finish, imprinted with the Vertu ‘V’ logo. If you fancy snapping one up, they’re out on April 1st. Alas, there’s no word on the specs of the devices, but if Vertu history is any guide, then don’t expect it to be sporting any cutting-edge features: the Vertu is all about looks, not brains.

We interrupt the scheduled programming to bring you a Whatley on Friday exclusive…

- - -

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

So – Those of you who follow me on Jaiku (http://whatleydude.jaiku.com) or on twitter (http://twitter.com/whatleydude) may have seen this message appear late last night:

“N95 – kaput :’(“

What follows is an account of two hours of my life from the early evening of last night (Thursday).

Vodafone have pissed me off. Their insurance company more so – they are CLEARLY a 3rd party with nothing to do with Vodafone and as such, let them down on an almost spectacular level.
That aside – VF’s CS has seen better days.

If this issue is not resolved by the weekend, I am off to 3.
You heard it here first.

So - What happened?

Well, over the past few weeks the N95 has taken a bit of a beating… it’s, how we say in the UK, ‘been in the wars a bit’. I’ve dropped it left, right and centre and even tossed it here and there too.

Note – it was camera tossing – see here.

Anyway - The phone has been fine. I went to a meeting yesterday afternoon, switched the phone off. All fine. I leave the meeting. Switch the phone on. All fine. I get to the station and, whilst waiting for my train, I decide to check the timetable… This is not possible. Not properly anyway. Because… every time I clicked one of the right sided centre keys, the screen went blank. Bugger.

Train arrives. I get on. I test it again. Same thing; Right centre keys make the screen go blank. Left centre keys bring it back. Bugger it.

I’m just off into town for a couple of drinks with the lass and all of a sudden I have no phone… Damn.

What next? I do what any other Vodafone-loving man would do, I call Vodafone.

Here I have to pause. Here for a second, if merely for sheer dramatic effect I must take a moment… and breathe…

I have waxed lyrical about Red’s amazing customer service before, quite a lot actually; online and off.
Thing is with GOOD customer service, you become used to it.
It becomes “the norm”.
Anything less than above average is… well… just average.

I make the call. Bear in mind that as a ‘card carrying member’ (remember?) of Vodafone’s ‘best care’ program I have come to expect the following to happen:

“Hello Mr Whatley, how can I help you today?”

“Hello there, my phone is broken.”

“Ok Mr Whatley, we can get a replacement out to you with 24hrs, where would you like it to be delivered?”

And. That. Is. It. Job done.

This is what I expected to happen. What I got was something COMPLETELY to the contrary.

CALL 1 (bodes well doesn’t it?)

“Hello Mr Whatley, how can I help you today?”

“Hello there, I wonder if you can help actually. It’s my phone. The screen really, it started to go off and on earlier and now… well now it won’t even come on at all”

“And what phone do you have Mr Whatley? Says here you have the N95, is it the 8GB version?”

“No no, I’ve got an old school original N95.”

“Ok, and did you buy it from a store or over the phone?”

“Over the phone. I NEVER go in store.”

“Ok Mr Whatley, and what do you think may’ve the problem on the phone?”

“I’m not entirely sure to be honest, I do USE my phone. I mean REALLY use it. But I know I’ve definitely dropped it twice in the last two weeks…”

“Oh ok Mr Whatley, no problem. It sounds like you may have to make an insurance claim but that shouldn’t take a minute… Well I’ve just checked and it looks like we don’t actually have any N95s in stock anymore, but that’s ok. The insurance will just send you an 8GB instead… is that ok?”

Leaving aside my N95-1 preferences for a second…

“Oh.. er.. ok, can’t really complain! Yes, I guess that would be fine, thank you!”

“Ok Mr Whatley I’ll just put you through to the insurance department.”

“Thank you very much…”

HOLD MUSIC – BA BADADA BA BA BA DADA – BA BADADA BA BA BA DADA

“Hello you’re through to Vodafone In-sure-antz… *giggle* …”

Note – the giggling – the girl that I was put through to was clearly having some kind of joke on the other end of the line and was finding it hard to control her laughter. Hilarious.

“…Before I go on.. *giggle* stop it *giggle* ..can I just tell.. *giggle* …can I just tell you that callsarerecordedfortraininperposeees…” *muffled laughter*

I’ve worked in a call centre myself. This happens. You just get the giggles sometimes.
However, I wasn’t in the mood.

I hung up and re-dialled 191.
I get through to the woman sitting next to the first woman I spoke to the first time round.

“Oh, sorry to hear what’s happened Mr Whatley, I’ll try and put you through again…”

HOLD MUSIC

“Hi Mr Whatley, I’ve explained all your details and told them what the situation is, I’ll just put you through now…”

“Hello you’re through to Vodafone In-sure-antz, can I take your name please?”

“Haven’t you got it…? Ok. James Whatley”

“And how can I help?”

“You mean you weren’t told?”

“You want to make a claim sir?”

“Yes. The screen on my N95. It’s broken. I need to get it replaced.”

“And when did it break sir?”

“This afternoon.”

“As a result of what sir?”

“Well, I’ve dropped it recently.”

“When sir?”

“A couple of times. RECENTLY”

“Oh. So the screen was working today then sir?”

“Yes.”

“Did you drop it today sir?”

“No, but I think it’s an issue of overall wear and tear if you will…”

“But you didn’t drop it today sir?”

“Well, no but…”

“Well then the screen failure can’t be down to you dropping it Sir, *sigh*, it’s a warrantee issue. I’ll pass you back to customer care.”

Turns out ‘pass you back to customer care’ is a euphemism for ‘hang up on you’.

If you’ve made it this far – thank you – I applaud your reading efforts. By this time I had travelled from Oxford to Paddington and I’m now at Paddington Station when I make call number 3.

“Hello there, I don’t have time to go through this again. I just want to complain about the poor standard of service that your insurance company provides. First they lack professionalism and second they show no real willingness to help and/or cooperate…”

“Of course Mr Whatley, what is the problem?”

I explain. THIS TIME ROUND I’m advised that I will have to take the phone IN STORE to have it examined…

“Look. I don’t have time to do this now. I called to complain. I need to get on the tube. I’ll call back later…”

By now I am seething. I get off the tube at London Waterloo and the lass is running a little late. “I’ll try again” I think… CALL 4

“Hello there, I’ve had a rough time with CS so far this evening. I understand this isn’t your fault so I won’t scream and shout. My N95. It’s broken.”

“Ok sir, which one do you have? The 4GB or the 8GB?”

“Pardon?”

“Which N95 do you have sir? The 4GB or the 8GB?”

“Er… There isn’t a 4GB.”

“Yes there is Sir, it’s ok, you’ve probably got the 8GB, the black one right sir?”
(this time in a slightly condescending kind of ‘it’s ok sir, you don’t know about your silly little broken phone’ voice)

“Look, I don’t have the 8GB version of the phone. I have the silver one…”

“..The 4GB.”

“NO! THERE IS NO 4GB N95! I work in the bloody industry and I know this phone inside and out and unless you’ve started shipping them with a 4GB MicroSD card as standard then it does not exist. The original N95, the silver one, the one IN MY HAND, comes with 160MB internal flash memory and 64MB RAM. Not 4GB.”

“I’m sorry sir but…”

“Look, let’s no split hairs. I know I’m right on this. It’s not why I called. I called because my phone is broken…”

“Yes Mr Whatley, says here you’ve been advised to take it in-store to have it examined?”

“Yes, that’s right. But that’s not good enough. I need a replacement as soon as…”

“That’s ok sir, if you hand it over in-store they will pop it in a jiffy bag, send it off to be repaired and it will be back with 7 days tops.”

NOTE – I’ve been here before – it NEVER takes seven days. THIS is why I stopped going in-store.

“I doubt that. Plus what am I to do without a phone?”

“They’ll have a phone you can borrow sir…”

“Have you ever had to borrow one from in-store before?”

“They have the Sharp device range sir…”

“Yes. I know. Horrid devices. They’re not nice. Listen. You don’t get it. I’m a mobile phone blogger. It’s what I do. Not having a decent handset in this business is quite frankly a ridiculous notion and I REALLY need to get this sorted ASAP!”

“Yes sir, if you take it in-store tomorrow I’m sure they’ll be able to…”

At this point I gave up. I am SO mad. The phone, FOR WHATEVER REASON, no longer works. Actually, that’s incorrect. The screen no longer works. The phone works fine. In fact, I know my N95 THAT WELL, I’m able to send texts and make calls… in the dark if you will.

Fortunately I am lucky enough to currently be in possession of a Nokia N82 (kindly supplied by those lovely folk at WOM World (http://www.womworld.com/nseries), this device however I have been using as my work phone. That reluctant was I to give up my N95 as my main device I opted to switch out the E61i for the duration of the loan period.

While I’ve been typing up this tirade I’ve been backing up/restoring/sync-ing each device to switch the N82 into my main device and the E61i back to my work device.

Incidentally – I’m not even touching upon the review of the N82 yet, or the amazing differences between the Nseries and the Eseries range of devices that I uncovered by making this switch… they can all wait for another post.

This post - THIS ONE THAT YOU’RE READING RIGHT NOW – is about how disappointed I am with Vodafone. You may call me fickle, but have a read of it again. See if you’d settle for this kind of ‘service’.

I am NOT a happy customer.

And do you know what makes it worse? It’s happened before http://whatleydude.vox.com/library/post/rip-n95.html - same problem(s) http://whatleydude.vox.com/library/post/my-faith-has-been-tested-1.html

This time though there has been no resolve.

The issue is still open.

I genuinely do not know what to do next. My instinct tells me to call VF again - To keep on keeping on. This issue has happened before and I got a replacement within 24hrs.

Why is it any different now?

Why is Vodafone’s customer service so inconsistent?

Why do they allow such a shoddy experience when it comes to their mobile insurance – which, by the way, I PAY EXTRA FOR!

If I don’t have a new N95 by the end of the weekend, or at least, on its way to me by the end of the weekend – as I said at the beginning of this post – I’m going to 3.

And I’ll tell every soul that I ever sold onto Vodafone that they made a mistake and that Vodafone don’t care about their customers, nor do they care for their (outsourced) insurance – that’s not worth the paper it is written on.

With that, I am spent. If you made it to the end, thanks.
If you’ve got a spare N95-1 lying around, let me know – I’m open to offers.

- - -

I have, incidentally, bet Whatley five pounds that if he takes his handset into a Vodafone store tomorrow, they will replace it there and then for him.

But the more I think on it, the more I wonder if actually, that’s not how things work. I wonder if the handsets in store are for ‘brand new customers only’ and not for replacements? We shall see.

If you’re blessed, if you’re a cool kid, you’ve got a Nokia (a decent one) that, when it connects to a data connection, displays a 3G icon.

If you’re ultra cool — Uber-Paris-Hilton-Hot, you’ve got something better. That’s a 3.5G icon, indicating that your handset is connecting at double-hard-bastard speed.

Or HSHSHDPSPSPAPA speed. You know, fast.

Well, I thought when I bought my Nokia E90, that I’d be joining the ranks of the Hiltonesque 3.5Gers. Surely the E90 is HSPDPAPASPAPAPA.

Surely.

Or is it.

I couldn’t be arsed to find out. I just bought it. It was a real-time decision when I was in the Vodafone shop. I considered the N95 8GB… then I remembered that the E90 retails in the Nokia store for 625 smackers. If I’m going to take advantage of a handset subsidy, the E90 will do me nicely.

Challenge. I get it out the shop and there’s no 3.5G icon.

No bother. I carry on my business. Everything is fine.

Until, that is, I get hold of my father’s E90. He bought an unlocked version of the handset and I was exceedingly annoyed to find out that I am the recipient of a substandard E90 version — for his handset has a 3.5G icon and we’re both on Vodafone.

It’s rather disconcerting to find out that, in one fell swoop, you’re not even on the same planet of cool as your father.

Hobbled. I felt hobbled. My E90 is the Kerry Katona of Paris Hilton devices.

Never fear.

I consulted the oracle. I knocked up a Google Talk conversation with Stefan from Intomobile. Knows a thing or two about Nokia.

What gives, I ask. Where is my 3.5G icon, eh?

Stefan does the virtual equivalent of a plumber’s deep toothy inhalation of breath when I explain that I’m using a Vodafone E90 and my dad’s using an unlocked E90.

That there is my issue.

Been hobbled by Vodafone. I’ve been sold a dud!

My firmware on my E90 is obviously years old. I need to upgrade it. I wonder if I’ll be allowed to. When I do that, it will arse my device and all the sodding settings. You can back’em up but it’s far from reliable. Nokia have been working on a fix for all this. The N82 is the first handset on planet Nokia that will let you upgrade it’s firmware without rendering your data Class-F. Not useful for me and my ageing E90 though, eh?

Arse.

Just got off the phone with Whatley. He has just bid farewell to his Nokia N95. It stopped working tonight. Over-used, I reckon. He is now without his primary communications device and he is, I suspect, going through massive withdrawls. He used to live online (via mobile). The virtual equivalent of cutting off a limb.

He’s not happy. He’s fuming. And his beef isn’t with Nokia…. So annoyed is he that he’s doing a special Whatley on Friday post to vent his spleen. It promises to be a corker… It should be with me — and published — within a few hours.

The end is nigh for 2G - in Japan at least. According to AFP, figures from the Japan Electronics and Information Technology Industries Association have revealed that during January, over four million mobiles were shipped in Japanese stores, but for the first time not a single one of those devices was a 2G model.

AFP also notes that Japan is second country to stop shipping 2G handsets after South Korea, with nearly 85 percent of Japanese users now sporting 3G mobiles. It puts North America and Western Europe in the shade at 50 and 10 percent respectively. Meanwhile, according to other reports suggest DoCoMo is stopping signing up users wanting 2G mova subscriptions.

I guess in Japan the death of 2G was always on the cards in the short term for Japan and it’s no great surprise either that South Korea has gone before it. Hands up if you think the iPhone will be 3G for its Asian launch…

In addition to the iPhone, the E61 and my ‘pub phone’ (a little-used Skypephone) there’s another couple of phones in my life and I’m coming to resent them more and more. It’s my home phones.

They’re rubbish.

I didn’t want to buy a new landline handset. I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t do landlines at all - they feel pointless. Personal communication shouldn’t be tied to a location - I don’t want someone to have to think about where I am before they call me. But there’s a couple of services we can’t have without it (the entry phone to our apartment block, for example, calls our wired phone when someone presses our buzzer) and it still feels rude to ask overseas friends to pay higher rates to call our mobiles (not everyone has discovered the joy of VOIP) . So I can’t yet reach this state of nirvana and having resigned myself to this, I paid £70 for a pair of Panasonic DECT handsets with a simple answer machine and received them this week.

Being the nerd I am I did, of course, start to read a load of reviews before I bought them, but I grew bored of the limited feature-set and ended up just buying something that looked passable and featured somewhere near the top of Amazon’s sales ranking. It’s not that the budget was terribly tight… it’s not unlimited by any means but I would have spent more for something exciting. It’s just there really doesn’t seem to be much out there. Particular complaints are:

• Ni-MH batteries (I didn’t realise they even still existed).
• No contacts synchronisation (and no, similar models with a ‘copy from SIM’ feature don’t count… who keeps their numbers of the SIM any more?)
• Three (yes three!) wallpapers (one usable) without any option to disable it on a ‘glorious’ 1.5″ screen.
• A UI that makes my first ever mobile’s interface (the Ericsson GH868, since you ask) look like that whizzy glass / touch thing Tom Cruise had in Minority Report.

OK, so we’re a couple of hundred words in and I’m still not really to the point. Sorry about that.

What I’m driving at is not just that I want more a more capable handset, but that the existence of such a big gap is ludicrous - my Skypephone has a feature set that’s far superior, can be extended further, attaches to my computer for syncing and cost about the same - but that there’s no need for a difference.

I’m ready for my femtocell now please that makes my mobiles usable at home. And none of this dodgy BT Fusion rubbish either - something that works with all our phones, no lock in. Perhaps even with the girlfriend’s non-smartphone.

Or a GrandCentral-eque service that allows geographic and mobile numbers to be added, calls to roam and hunt whilst still retaining the better pricing that’s typically available for consumer landlines.

Sure, I might be able to cobble something together with existing services or ‘roll my own’ with an Asterisk box at home or similar, but this has to be reliable and normob-friendly. At least I’d like proper spec handsets with bluetooth and contacts syncing… that’s not too much to ask. Is it?

Why can’t all my phones be like my mobiles?

Got this illuminating email in from SMS Text News reader, Giff, this morning. He wasn’t entirely sure about my USA mobile phone bashing pieces — in fact I reckon he thought I was perhaps exaggerating. Well, have a read of his recent experience:

Hey Ewan,

Have to be honest here, but as I read about you bashing the US cell phones available, I understood what you were saying but didn’t really believe it…

Well, here I was sat last Friday and my cell goes on the blink. So I head to the closest T-Mobile store, (remember, I have a great plan with them and so far, great service with rarely being dropped). SHOCKED!!!

NO 3G phones what-so-ever. Only THREE wi-fi phones to choose between. But there were a ton of clam-shell and RAZRs…. I walked out disgusted and didn’t buy.

Really, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to buy. It was truly a terrible experience. So, on my way home I happened by an ATT store. I popped in to take another look at the iPhone.

Look, it isn’t that the iPhone to the rest of the world is anything great. But after my experience inside the T-Mobile store it is obvious why Americans are going on and on about this phone. You can’t compare it to anything at all in the T-Mobile store…

Really, honestly now, our phones over here, just terrible…

Giff

This is the thing Giff. The iPhone really does transcend the standard American handset experience, particularly when new customers — NEW CUSTOMERS ON 24 MONTH CONTRACTS — are walking out cell phone stores with really old clam-shell RAZRs and RAZR copies that can do nothing more but text, call and function as alarm clocks.

If you’re the sort of person that finds it difficult to get out of bed and haul yourself down to the gym, Adidas and Samsung think they’ve come up with a device just for you. It’s called miCoach, and it’s not just a mobile, it’s an “interactive training system” which gathers data on the user’s training plans and fitness levels and helps them work towards their athletic goals, according to the twosome.

As well as straight forward phone connectivity, there’s also a heart rate monitor, a stride sensor chip to fit all adidas running footwear, and a miCoach website to create tailored training programmes for all budding mobile athletes. There are even recordings in the phone that will give you encouragement during your run or tell you to speed up when it looks like you’re peaking.

As a motivational tool, it sounds like a winner. It’s a bit reminiscent of the Apple and Nike partnership, but the miCoach has the added bonus of allowing users to ring a friend for a lift home if all the jogging gets too much.